This blog post is taken from a newsletter entry dated December 13, 2023.
Happy Wednesday! Wednesday is when we talk dating and relationships, so today I am tackling a question from the Dear Fumi submissions 👀
You do an amazing job in pointing out strategies for dating that would bear a partner that holds up to one’s standard. I have a friend who knowingly and consistently engages with men who fall below her self-proclaimed standard. It is hard to discuss things about her romantic pursuits because I disagree with all of them. Despite agreeing with my reasonable case for why this relationship/situationship is not healthy for her, she will continue to give her energy to a man she does not fully want (as expressed by her). I understand the “You can lead a horse to water but cannot force them to drink” philosophy. But how does one proceed to talk/support a friend’s romantics life who willfully goes against her own needs/interest?
I am going to give some advice that many people tend to disagree with, and push against. If you have a friend who repeatedly engages in emotional self-harm—that is exactly what you are doing when you routinely open yourself to unhealthy relationships—then you need to distance yourself from her.
“Omg that is so heartless! You are such a bad friend!” A bad firned to whom? To her? Sounds like you have forgotten that your first call is to be a good friend to YOURSELF.
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So many women have been infected with the lie that being a good person/friend/partner means neglecting your own needs and well being. Self betrayal is the price that must be paid for “goodness.” NO! You are not a good friend or partner to anyone if you do not have strong boundaries and standards of your own.
Should you be there for your friend when she is hurt? Yes. Should you advise her when she asks for it? Yes. But if she decides to continue to engage in a negative relationship, you are being naive if you think that won’t begin to impact you over time.
You will at best begin to identify with her experiences out of empathy for her, and start to see men in a really negative light. At worst? You will start to normalize or even romanticize her experience. The ups and downs of toxic relationships can be addictive, and they tend to be in line with a lot of what movies and tv has conditioned us women to see as #goals. Watching it play out IRL, right in front of your face? Next level, and will definitely impact your own mentality about—and by extension, your relationships with—men.
I am not saying you have to block her, but set a clear boundary: “I love you so much and it is really hard to see you continue to go back to a hurtful situation. As much as I love you, it is too hard for me to continue to be privy to the details. I would like it if we do not discuss your relationships for the time being.” She may get upset. Because so many women lack boundaries, they also tend to resent them. But you need to choose you anyway.
And see it as practice—how you do one thing is how you do everything. So if you want to strengthen your boundaries and raise your standards in dating, you will need to practice doing it in your platonic relationships. Start holding stronger boundaries at work, in family and with friends. And over time, the skill becomes intuitive.
Hope that helps.
Love,
Fumi 🤍
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